[cock-a-doodle-doo]

FOLLOWERS:

Look! There he is! The Chosen One has woken!

[slam]

[bam bam bam bam]

MANDY:

Brian!

[bam bam bam bam bam]

BRIAN:

Huuh. Hooh. Ooh! Mother. Ooh. Ha--

MANDY:

Brian!

BRIAN:

Hang on, mother! Shhh.

[clllunk]

Hello, mother.

MANDY:

Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out there?!

BRIAN:

Oh. Well-- well, I, uh--

MANDY:

Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?!

BRIAN:

Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for something.

MANDY:

'Popped by'?! 'Swarmed by', more like! There's a multitude out there!

BRIAN:

Mm, they-- they started following me yesterday.

MANDY:

Well, they can stop following you right now. Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

FOLLOWERS:

The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!

MANDY:

The who?

FOLLOWERS:

The Messiah!

MANDY:

Huh, there's no Messiah in here. There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away!

FOLLOWERS:

Brian! Brian!

MANDY:

Right, my lad. What have you been up to?

BRIAN:

Nothing, Mum. Um--

MANDY:

Come on. Out with it.

BRIAN:

Well, they think I'm the Messiah, Mum.

[smack]

MANDY:

Now, what have you been telling them?

BRIAN:

Nothing! I only--

MANDY:

You're only making it worse for yourself.

BRIAN:

Look! I can explain! I--

[smack]

JUDITH:

No! Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!

MANDY:

Who--

JUDITH:

Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They

believe he can give them hope-- hope of a new life, a new world, a better future!

MANDY:

Who's that?!

BRIAN:

Oh! That's... Judith, Mum. Judith. Mother. Hmm.

[smack]

Aaaah!

FOLLOWERS:

The Messiah! The Messiah!

MANDY:

Ooooh.

FOLLOWERS:

Show us the Messiah! The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!

MANDY:

Now, you listen here! He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, go away!

FOLLOWERS:

Who are you?!

MANDY:

I'm his mother. That's who.

FOLLOWERS:

Behold His mother! Behold His mother! Hail to thee, mother of Brian! Blessed art thou, Hosanna! All praise to thee,

now and always!

MANDY:

Ohhh, now, don't think you can get around me like that. He's not coming out, and that's my final word. Now, shove off!

FOLLOWERS:

No!

MANDY:

Did you hear what I said?

FOLLOWERS:

Yes!

MANDY:

Oh, I see. It-- it's like that, is it?

FOLLOWERS:

Yes!

MANDY:

Ohh. Oh, all right, then. You can see him for one minute, but not one second more. Do you understand?

FOLLOWERS:

Yes.

MANDY:

Promise?

FOLLOWERS:

Well, all right.

MANDY:

All right. Here he is, then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them.

BRIAN:

But, Mum. Judith.

MANDY:

Now, leave that Welsh tart alone.

BRIAN:

But I don't really want to, Mum.

FOLLOWERS:

Brian! Brian! Brian!...

BRIAN:

Good morning.

FOLLOWERS:

A blessing! A blessing! A blessing!...

BRIAN:

No. No, please! Please! Please listen. I've got one or two things to say.

FOLLOWERS:

Tell us. Tell us both of them.

BRIAN:

Look. You've got it all wrong.

You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves. You're all

individuals!

FOLLOWERS:

Yes, we're all individuals!

BRIAN:

You're all different!

FOLLOWERS:

Yes, we are all different!

DENNIS:

I'm not.

ARTHUR:

Shhhh.

FOLLOWERS:

Shh. Shhhh. Shhh.

BRIAN:

You've all got to work it out for yourselves!

FOLLOWERS:

Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves!

BRIAN:

Exactly!

FOLLOWERS:

Tell us more!

BRIAN:

No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise-- Ow! No!

MANDY:

Come on, Brian. That's enough. That's enough.

FOLLOWERS:

Oooooh. That wasn't a minute!

MANDY:

Oh, yes, it was.

FOLLOWERS:

Oh, no, it wasn't!

MANDY:

Now, stop that, and go away!

YOUTH:

Excuse me.

MANDY:

Yes?

YOUTH:

Are you a virgin?

MANDY:

I beg your pardon!

YOUTH:

Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?

MANDY:

'If it's not a personal question'?

How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!

[slam]

YOUTH:

She is.

FOLLOWERS:

Yeah. Must be. She is. Definitely...

CROWD:

Ooh. Oh! Oooh...

[clunk]

REG:

'Morning, Saviour.

CROWD:

[yelling]

WOMAN:

Lay Your hands on me. Quick!

FRANCIS:

Now, don't jostle the Chosen One, please.

BABY:

[crying]

REG:

Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face. You've got till later.

GREGORY:

I say. I say, could He just see my wife? She has a headache.

REG:

She'll have to wait, I'm afraid.

GREGORY:

It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment.

REG:

Look, the lepers are queuing.

GREGORY:

Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath, you know.

REG:

Uh, Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the Mounts on Sunday?

MR. PAPADOPOULOS:

Hello.

FRANCIS:

Don't push!

REG:

And keep the noise down, please! Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control a bit, can't you?

Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes. Um, women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you?

JUDITH:

Brian? Brian, you were fantastic!

BRIAN:

You weren't so bad yourself.

JUDITH:

No, what you said just now-- it was quite extraordinary.

BRIAN:

What? Oh, that. Was it?

JUDITH:

We don't need any leaders. You're so right. Reg has been dominating us for too long.

BRIAN:

Well, yes.

JUDITH:

It needed saying, and you said it, Brian.

BRIAN:

You're... very attractive.

JUDITH:

It's our revolution! We can all do it together!

BRIAN:

I think-- I think--

JUDITH:

We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands!

BRIAN:

What? No! That's not what I meant at all!

CENTURION:

You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right.

[whap whap whap whap whap]

[smack]

Stop it.

Pilate and Biggus Dickus [whump]

BRIAN:

Aah.

PILATE:

Well, Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.

BRIAN:

A what?

[slap]

Aaagh.

PILATE:

This time, I guawantee you will not escape. Guard, do we have any cwucifixions today?

GUARD #1:

A hundred and thirty-nine, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir.

PILATE:

Wight. Now we have a hundwed and forty. Nice wound number, eh, Biggus?

BIGGUS DICKUS:

Hm hm hm hm hm.

CENTURION:

Hail Caesar!

PILATE:

Hail.

CENTURION:

The crowd outside is getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to disperse them, please.

PILATE:

Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet.

CENTURION:

Ah, no. I know sir, but--

PILATE:

My addwess is one of the high points of the Passover. My fwiend, Biggus Dickus, has come all the way fwom Wome

just to hear it.

CENTURION:

Hail Caesar.

BIGGUS:

Hail Thaethar!

CENTURION:

You're not-- ah, you're not, uh, thinking o-- of giving it a miss this year, then, sir?

PILATE:

Give it a miss?

CENTURION:

Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.

PILATE:

Weally, Centuwion? I'm surpwised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.

CENTURION:

A... bit thundery, sir.

PILATE:

Take him away.

BRIAN:

I'm a Roman! I-- I can prove it, honestly!

PILATE:

And cwucify him well! Biggus.

CENTURION:

Ah, I-- I really wouldn't, sir.

PILATE:

Out of the way, Centuwion.

BIGGUS:

Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith.

REG:

Right. Now, uh, item four: attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. Uh, Francis, you've been doing

some work on this.

FRANCIS:

Yeah. Thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman

empire within the next twelve months.

REG:

Twelve months?

FRANCIS:

Yeah, twelve months. And, let's face it. As empires go, this is the big one, so we've got to get up off our arses and stop

just talking about it!

COMMANDOS:

Hear! Hear!

LORETTA:

I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now.

COMMANDOS:

Hear! Hear!

REG:

You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches. It's not going to shift

one Roman soldier!

FRANCIS:

So, let's just stop gabbing on about it. It's completely pointless and it's getting us nowhere!

COMMANDOS:

Right!

LORETTA:

I agree. This is a complete waste of time.

[bam]

JUDITH:

They've arrested Brian!

REG:

What?

COMMANDOS:

What?

JUDITH:

They've dragged him off! They're going to crucify him!

REG:

Right! This calls for immediate discussion!

COMMANDO #1:

Yeah.

JUDITH:

What?!

COMMANDO #2:

Immediate.

COMMANDO #1:

Right.

LORETTA:

New motion?

REG:

Completely new motion, eh, that, ah-- that there be, ah, immediate action--

FRANCIS:

Ah, once the vote has been taken.

REG: < /P>

Well, obviously once the vote's been taken. You can't act another resolution till you've voted on it...

JUDITH:

Reg, for God's sake, let's go now!

REG:

Yeah. Yeah.

JUDITH:

Please!

REG:

Right. Right.

FRANCIS:

Fine.

REG:

In the-- in the light of fresh information from, ahh, sibling Judith--

LORETTA:

Ah, not so fast, Reg.

JUDITH:

Reg, for God's sake, it's perfectly simple. All you've got to do is to go out of that door now, and try to stop the Romans'

nailing him up! It's happening, Reg! Something's actually happening, Reg! Can't you understand?! Ohhh!

[slam]

REG:

Hm. Hm.

FRANCIS:

Oh, dear.

REG:

Hello. Another little ego trip for the feminists.

LORETTA:

What?

FRANCIS:

[whistling]

REG:

Oh, sorry, Loretta. Ahh, oh, read that back, would you?