BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET:

...And the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of

Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts.

Yeeah...

FALSE PROPHET:

...For the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine, which he will wield

on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will...

BORING PROPHET:

...Obadiah, his servants. There shall, in that time, be rumours of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great

confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi-- with the sort of

raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know

where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.

Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that, in that time, shall the third one...

BRIAN:

How much? Quick.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

What?

BRIAN:

It's for the wife.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Oh. Uhhh, twenty shekels.

BRIAN:

Right.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

What?

BRIAN:

There you are.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Wait a minute.

BRIAN:

What?

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Well, we're-- we're supposed to haggle.

BRIAN:

No, no. I've got to get--

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

What do you mean, 'no, no, no'?

BRIAN:

I haven't time. I've got--

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Well, give it back, then.

BRIAN:

No, no, no. I just paid you.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Burt!

BURT:

Yeah?

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

This bloke won't haggle.

BURT:

Won't haggle?!

BRIAN:

All right. Do we have to?

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Now, look. I want twenty for that.

BRIAN:

I-- I just gave you twenty.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Now, are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?

BRIAN:

No.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Look at it. Feel the quality. That's none of your goat.

BRIAN:

All right. I'll give you nineteen then.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly.

BRIAN:

What?

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen.

BRIAN:

Well, you just said it was worth twenty.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Ohh, dear. Ohh, dear. Come on. Haggle.

BRIAN:

Huh. All right. I'll give you ten.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

That's more like it. Ten?! Are you trying to insult me?! Me, with a poor dying grandmother?! Ten?!

BRIAN:

All right. I'll give you eleven.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Now you're gettin' it. Eleven?! Did I hear you right?! Eleven?! This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me?!

BRIAN:

Seventeen?

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

No, no, no, no. Seventeen.

BRIAN:

Eighteen?

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

No, no. You go to fourteen now.

BRIAN:

All right. I'll give you fourteen.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Fourteen?! Are you joking?!

BRIAN:

That's what you told me to say.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Ohh, dear.

BRIAN:

Ohh, tell me what to say. Please!

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Offer me fourteen.

BRIAN:

I'll give you fourteen.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

He's offering me fourteen for this!

BRIAN:

Fifteen!

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.

BRIAN:

Sixteen.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Done. Nice to do business with you.

BRIAN:

Huh.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Tell you what. I'll throw you in this as well.

BRIAN:

I don't want it, but thanks.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Burt!

BURT:

Yeah?

BRIAN:

All right! All right! All right!

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Now, where's the sixteen you owe me?

BRIAN:

I just gave you twenty.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Oh, yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you, then.

BRIAN:

Well, that's all right. That's fine. That's fine.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

No. Hang on. I've got it here somewhere.

BRIAN:

That's all right. That's four for the gourd.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Four? For this gourd? Four?! Look at it. It's worth ten if it's worth a shekel.

BRIAN:

But you just gave it to me for nothing.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Yes, but it's worth ten!

BRIAN:

All right. All right.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten. You're supposed to argue, 'Ten for that? You must be mad!' Ohh, well. [sniff] One

born every minute.

Guards search Matthias' house

REG:

Daniel.

LORETTA:

Daniel.

FRANCIS:

Job.

REG:

Job.

LORETTA:

Job.

FRANCIS:

Joshua.

REG:

Joshua.

LORETTA:

Joshua.

FRANCIS:

Judges.

REG:

Judges.

LORETTA:

Judges.

FRANCIS:

And Brian.

REG:

And Brian.

LORETTA:

And Brian.

REG:

I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause.

LORETTA:

I second that, Reg.

REG:

Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings!

[thump]

Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning! Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in

a--

MATTHIAS:

Look out!

BRIAN:

Hello? Matthias! Reg!

REG:

Go away!

BRIAN:

Hm? Reg, it's me, Brian!

REG:

Get off! Get off out of it!

BRIAN:

Stan!

LORETTA:

Piss off.

COMMANDO:

Yeah, piss off!

REG:

Bugger off.

[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]

Ohh,...

[bam bam bam bam bam]

...shit!

[bam]

BRIAN:

Uhh.

MATTHIAS:

Coming!

[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]

[bam bam bam bam bam bam]

BORING PROPHET:

Yea, verily, at that time, it is written in the book of Obadiah. A man shall strike his donkey and his nephew's donkey

and anyone...

[crack]

...in the vicinity...

[creak crack]

...of his nephew or the donkey.

MATTHIAS:

My eyes are dim. I cannot see.

CENTURION:

Are you Matthias?

MATTHIAS:

Yes.

CENTURION:

We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organisation, the

'People's Front of Judea'.

MATTHIAS:

Me? No. I'm just a poor old man. I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are

old and bent.

CENTURION:

Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house.

[clomp clomp clomp...]

You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal?

MATTHIAS:

No.

CENTURION:

Crucifixion.

MATTHIAS:

Oh.

CENTURION:

Nasty, eh?

MATTHIAS:

Hm. Could be worse.

CENTURION:

What do you mean, 'could be worse'?

MATTHIAS:

Well, you could be stabbed.

CENTURION:

Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours! It's a slow, horrible death!

MATTHIAS:

Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.

CENTURION:

You're weird.

[clomp clomp clomp...]

SERGEANT:

No, sir. Couldn't find anything, sir.

CENTURION:

But don't worry! You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.

MATTHIAS:

Big Nose.

CENTURION:

Watch it.

MATTHIAS:

Phew, that was lucky.

BRIAN:

I'm sorry, Reg.

REG:

Ohhh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion straight to our official headquarters. Well, that's

all right, then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. You klutz! You stupid, bird-brained,

flat-headed--

[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]

[creak crack]

BORING PROPHET:

...this great, big, juicy melon behind.

[bam bam bam bam bam bam]

MATTHIAS:

My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled. Yes?

CENTURION:

There's one place we didn't look. Guards!

MATTHIAS:

I'm just a poor old man.

[clomp clomp clomp...]

My eyesight is bad. My eyes are poor. My nose is knackered.

CENTURION:

Have you ever seen anyone crucified?

MATTHIAS:

Crucifixion's a doddle.

CENTURION:

Don't keep saying that.

[clomp clomp clomp...]

SERGEANT:

Found this spoon, sir.

CENTURION:

Well done, Sergeant! We'll be back, oddball.

[bam bam bam bam bam]

Open up!

MATTHIAS:

You haven't given us time to hide.

[crack crack]

BRIAN:

Aaaaah!

Brian the prophet

BORING PROPHET:

...The nephew or the donkey.

[whap]

Wha! Woooah!

[fwump]

[clap clap clap]

FALSE PROPHET:

...And, a nine-bladed sword, which he shall strike...

BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET:

...Time when we all come together, and go...

PROPHET IN WHITE:

...And holes for the...

PROPHET IN BLACK:

...Jumbo jets...

PROPHET IN WHITE:

...every bitch how you got germs from...

PROPHET IN BLACK:

...fly up near the...

BRIAN:

Don't you, eh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself.

COLIN:

What?

BRIAN:

I said, 'Don't pass judgment on other people, or else you might get judged, too.'

COLIN:

Who, me?

BRIAN:

Yes.

COLIN:

Oh. Ooh. Thank you very much.

BRIAN:

Well, not just you. All of you.

DENNIS:

That's a nice gourd.

BRIAN:

What?

DENNIS:

How much do you want for the gourd?

BRIAN:

I don't. You can have it.

DENNIS:

Have it?

BRIAN:

Yes. Consider the lilies...

DENNIS:

Eh, d-- d-- don't you want to haggle?

BRIAN:

No. ...in the field.

DENNIS:

What's wrong with it, then?

BRIAN:

Nothing. Take it.

ELSIE:

Consider the lilies?

BRIAN:

Uh, well, the birds, then.

EDDIE:

What birds?

BRIAN:

Any birds.

EDDIE:

Why?

BRIAN:

Well, have they got jobs?

ARTHUR:

Who?

BRIAN:

The birds.

EDDIE:

Have the birds got jobs?!

FRANK:

What's the matter with him?

ARTHUR:

He says the birds are scrounging.

BRIAN:

Oh, uhh, no, the point is the birds. They do all right. Don't they?

FRANK:

Well, good luck to 'em.

EDDIE:

Yeah. They're very pretty.

BRIAN:

Okay, and you're much more important than they are, right? So, what are you worrying about? There you are. See?

EDDIE:

I'm worrying about what you have got against birds.

BRIAN:

I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies.

ARTHUR:

He's having a go at the flowers now.

EDDIE:

Oh, give the flowers a chance.

DENNIS:

I'll give you one for it.

BRIAN:

It's yours.

DENNIS:

Two, then.

BRIAN:

Ohh. Look. There was this man, and he had two servants.

ARTHUR:

What were they called?

BRIAN:

What?

ARTHUR:

What were their names?

BRIAN:

I don't know. And he gave them some talents.

EDDIE:

You don't know?!

BRIAN:

Well, it doesn't matter!

ARTHUR:

He doesn't know what they were called!

BRIAN:

Oh, they were called 'Simon' and 'Adrian'. Now--

ARTHUR:

Oh! You said you didn't know!

BRIAN:

It really doesn't matter. The point is there were these two servants--

ARTHUR:

He's making it up as he goes along.

BRIAN:

No, I'm not! ...And he gave them some ta-- Wait a minute. Were there three?

ARTHUR:

Ohh.

EDDIE:

Oh, he's terrible!

ARTHUR:

He's terrible.

BRIAN:

There were three.

ARTHUR:

Thpppt!

BRIAN:

They were-- they were st-- stewards, really.

ELSIE:

Aww, get off!

BRIAN:

Ooh! Eh, uh, b-- b-- now-- now hear this! Blessed are they...

DENNIS:

Three.

BRIAN:

...who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth,...

MAN:

Rubbish!

BRIAN:

...and to them only shall be given-- to them only... shall... be... given...

ELSIE:

What?

BRIAN:

Hmm?

ELSIE:

Shall be given what?

BRIAN:

Oh, nothing.

ELSIE:

Hey! What were you going to say?

BRIAN:

Nothing.

ARTHUR and FRANK:

Yes, you were.

ELSIE:

Yes. You were going to say something.

BRIAN:

No, I wasn't. I'd finished.

ELSIE:

Oh, no you weren't.

ARTHUR:

Oh, come on. Tell us before you go.

BRIAN:

I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished.

ELSIE:

No, you hadn't.

BLIND MAN:

What won't he tell?

EDDIE:

He won't say.

BLIND MAN:

Is it a secret?

BRIAN:

No.

BLIND MAN:

Is it?

EDDIE:

Must be. Otherwise, he'd tell us.

ARTHUR:

Oh, tell us the secret.

BRIAN:

Leave me alone.

YOUTH:

What is this secret?

GIRL:

Is it the secret of eternal life?

EDDIE:

He won't say!

ARTHUR:

Well, of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say.

YOUTH:

No.

BRIAN:

Leave me alone.

GIRL:

Just tell me, please.

ARTHUR:

No. Tell us, Master. We were here first.

DENNIS:

Five.

BRIAN:

Ah!

GIRL:

Just tell--

BRIAN:

Go away!

GIRL:

Tell us, Master.

DENNIS:

I can't go above five.

GIRL:

Tell-- Is that His gourd?

YOUTH:

We've got this here.

DENNIS:

Yeah, but it's under offer.

GIRL:

This is His gourd!

DENNIS:

Ten!

GIRL:

It is His gourd! We will carry it for you, Master! Master?

YOUTH:

He's gone! He's been taken up!

GIRL:

Hhhh!

FOLLOWERS:

For He's been taken up!

DENNIS:

Eighteen!

ARTHUR:

No, there He is. Over there.

FOLLOWERS:

Oh, yeah. Master! Master!...

[FOLLOWERS chase BRIAN]

'He has given us... His shoe!'

[holy music]

FOLLOWERS:

Oh! Oh! Ohh! Oh! Ah! Oh!

ARTHUR:

He has given us a sign!

FOLLOWER:

Oh!

SHOE FOLLOWER:

He has given us... His shoe!

ARTHUR:

The shoe is the sign. Let us follow His example.

SPIKE:

What?

ARTHUR:

Let us, like Him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot, for this is His sign, that all who follow Him shall

do likewise.

EDDIE:

Yes.

SHOE FOLLOWER:

No, no, no. The shoe is...

YOUTH:

No.

SHOE FOLLOWER:

...a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance.

GIRL:

Cast off...

SPIKE:

Aye. What?

GIRL:

...the shoes! Follow the Gourd!

SHOE FOLLOWER:

No! Let us gather shoes together!

FRANK:

Yes.

SHOE FOLLOWER:

Let me!

ELSIE:

Oh, get off!

YOUTH:

No, no! It is a sign that, like Him, we must think not of the things of the body, but of the face and head!

SHOE FOLLOWER:

Give me your shoe!

YOUTH:

Get off!

GIRL:

Follow the Gourd! The Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!

FOLLOWER:

The Gourd!

HARRY:

Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us!

ARTHUR:

It is a shoe! It is a shoe!

HARRY:

It's a sandal!

ARTHUR:

No, it isn't!

GIRL:

Cast it away!

ARTHUR:

Put it on!

YOUTH:

And clear off!

SHOE FOLLOWER:

Take the shoes and follow Him!

GIRL:

Come,...

FRANK:

Yes!

GIRL:

...all ye who call yourself Gourdenes!

SPIKE:

Stop! Stop! Stop, I say! Stop! Let us-- let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like the seed to the grain.

Simon the Holy Man

[holy music]

FOLLOWERS:

Master! Master!...

BRIAN:

Hey! Is there another way down?

Is there another path down to the river?

SIMON THE HOLY MAN:

Mmmmmmm.

BRIAN:

Please! Please help me! I've got to get--

SIMON:

Mm.

[whump]

Oh, my foot! Oh!

BRIAN:

Shhhh.

SIMON:

Oh, damn, damn, damn!

BRIAN:

Well, I'm sorry. Shhh.

SIMON:

Oh, damn, damn, and blast it!

BRIAN:

I'm sorry. Shhhh!

SIMON:

Don't you 'shhhh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you 'shhhh' me!

BRIAN:

What?

SIMON:

I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips.

BRIAN:

Oh, please. Could you be quiet for another five minutes?

SIMON:

Oh, it doesn't matter now. I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout and sing

and...

BRIAN:

Shhhh.

SIMON:

...scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive!

BRIAN:

Shhh.

SIMON:

Hava Nagila!

BRIAN:

Shhh.

SIMON:

Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello birds! Hello trees! I'm alive! Get off. I'm

alive! Hava Nagila. Hava the relinq--

FOLLOWERS:

Master! The Master! Master! Master!...

SHOE FOLLOWER:

The Master! Aha. He is here!

FRANK:

Master!

FOLLOWERS:

The shoe!...

ARTHUR:

The shoe has brought us here!

ARTHUR and HARRY:

Speak!

FOLLOWERS:

Shhhhh!

ARTHUR and HARRY:

Speak to us, Master! Speak to us!

BRIAN:

Go away!

FOLLOWERS:

A blessing! A blessing!

ARTHUR:

How shall we go away, Master?!

BRIAN:

Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!

SHOE FOLLOWER:

Give us a sign!

ARTHUR:

He has given us a sign! He has brought us to this place!

BRIAN:

I didn't bring you here! You just followed me!

SHOE FOLLOWER:

Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.

ARTHUR:

Master! Your people have walked many miles to be with You! They are weary and have not eaten.

BRIAN:

It's not my fault they haven't eaten!

ARTHUR:

There is no food in this high mountain!

BRIAN:

Well, what about the juniper bushes over there?

FOLLOWERS:

Hhhh! A miracle! A miracle! Ohh!...

SHOE FOLLOWER:

He has made the bush fruitful by His words.

YOUTH:

They have brought forth juniper berries.

BRIAN:

Of course they've brought forth juniper berries! They're juniper bushes! What do you expect?!

ELSIE:

Show us another miracle!

ARTHUR:

Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?!

SIMON:

I say, those are my juniper bushes.

ARTHUR:

They are a gift from God!

SIMON:

They're all I've bloody got to eat. Uhm. I say, get off those bushes! Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. Go on.

HARRY:

Lord! I am affected by a bald patch.

BLIND MAN:

I am healed! The Master has healed me!

BRIAN:

I didn't touch him!

BLIND MAN:

I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh!

[whump]

FOLLOWERS:

A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!

SIMON:

Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years till he came along.

FOLLOWERS:

A miracle! He is the Messiah!

SIMON:

Well, he hurt my foot!

FOLLOWERS:

Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt my foot. Hurt mine...

ARTHUR:

Hail Messiah!

BRIAN:

I'm not the Messiah!

ARTHUR:

I say You are, Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.

FOLLOWERS:

Hail Messiah!

BRIAN:

I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!

GIRL:

Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.

BRIAN:

What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!

FOLLOWERS:

He is! He is the Messiah!

BRIAN:

Now, fuck off!

[silence]

ARTHUR:

How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

BRIAN:

Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.

SIMON:

You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody foot. You break my vow of silence, and then

you try and clean up on my juniper bushes!

BRIAN:

Oh, lay off!

ARTHUR:

This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!

SIMON:

No, he's not.

BRIAN:

Aaaagh!

ARTHUR:

An unbeliever!

FOLLOWERS:

An unbeliever!

ARTHUR:

Persecute! Kill the heretic!

FOLLOWERS:

Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!...

BRIAN:

Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please!

JUDITH:

Brian?

BRIAN:

Judith?