[trumpets]

[clap clap clap]

ANNOUNCER:

Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris

Mineburg.

BRIAN:

Want some...

VOICE:

Thank you, fellows.

BRIAN:

Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguars' earlobes. Wolf nipple chips. Get 'em while they're hot. They're

lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar. Tuscany fried bats.

JUDITH:

I do feel, Reg, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.

REG:

Agreed. Francis?

FRANCIS:

Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right

of every man--

STAN:

Or woman.

FRANCIS:

Or woman... to rid himself--

STAN:

Or herself.

FRANCIS:

Or herself.

REG:

Agreed.

FRANCIS:

Thank you, brother.

STAN:

Or sister.

FRANCIS:

Or sister. Where was I?

REG:

I think you'd finished.

FRANCIS:

Oh. Right.

REG:

Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--

STAN:

Or woman.

REG:

Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.

STAN:

Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.

FRANCIS:

Why are you always on about women, Stan?

STAN:

I want to be one.

REG:

What?

STAN:

I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.

REG:

What?!

LORETTA:

It's my right as a man.

JUDITH:

Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

LORETTA:

I want to have babies.

REG:

You want to have babies?!

LORETTA:

It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

REG:

But... you can't have babies.

LORETTA:

Don't you oppress me.

REG:

I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a

box?!

LORETTA:

[crying]

JUDITH:

Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's

fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.

FRANCIS:

Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.

REG:

What's the point?

FRANCIS:

What?

REG:

What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!

FRANCIS:

It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

REG:

Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

[trumpets]

[clap clap clap]

GUARD:

Get out there.

BORIS:

It's, um--

GUARD:

Get out there.

BORIS:

It's dangerous out there. Ah ah. Ah! Oh.

[clap clap clap]

[clank]

Ooh.

CROWD:

Aaah. Ohh...

SPECTATOR:

What a load of rubbish.

BRIAN:

Larks' tongues. Otters' noses. Ocelot spleens.

REG:

Got any nuts?

BRIAN:

I haven't got any nuts. Sorry. I've got wrens' livers, badgers' spleens--

REG:

No, no, no.

BRIAN:

Otters' noses?

REG:

I don't want any of that Roman rubbish.

JUDITH:

Why don't you sell proper food?

BRIAN:

Proper food?

REG:

Yeah, not those rich imperialist tit-bits.

BRIAN:

Well, don't blame me. I didn't ask to sell this stuff.

REG:

All right. Bag of otters' noses, then.

FRANCIS:

Make it two.

REG:

Two.

FRANCIS:

Thanks, Reg.

BRIAN:

Are you the Judean People's Front?

REG:

Fuck off!

BRIAN:

What?

REG:

Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front. Cawk.

FRANCIS:

Wankers.

BRIAN:

Can I... join your group?

REG:

No. Piss off.

BRIAN:

I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.

PEOPLE'S FRONT OF JUDEA:

Shhhh. Shhhh. Shhh. Shh. Shhhh.

REG:

Schtum.

JUDITH:

Are you sure?

BRIAN:

Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.

REG:

Listen. If you really wanted to join the P.F.J., you'd have to really hate the Romans.

BRIAN:

I do!

REG:

Oh, yeah? How much?

BRIAN:

A lot!

REG:

Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.

P.F.J.:

Yeah...

JUDITH:

Splitters.

P.F.J.:

Splitters...

FRANCIS:

And the Judean Popular People's Front.

P.F.J.:

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters...

LORETTA:

And the People's Front of Judea.

P.F.J.:

Yeah. Splitters. Splitters...

REG:

What?

LORETTA:

The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.

REG:

We're the People's Front of Judea!

LORETTA:

Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.

REG:

People's Front! C-huh.

FRANCIS:

Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?

REG:

He's over there.

P.F.J.:

Splitter!

GOLIATH:

[pant pant pant] Ooh. Ooh. I-- I think I'm about to have a... cardiac arrest. Ooh. Ooh.

SPECTATOR:

Absolutely dreadful. Hmm.

CROWD:

[cheering]

REG:

Yes, brother! Ha ha. What's your name?

BRIAN:

Brian. Brian Cohen.

REG:

We may have a little job for you, Brian.

Romanes Eunt Domus

[scary music]

CENTURION:

What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'?

BRIAN:

It-- it says, 'Romans, go home'.

CENTURION:

No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on!

BRIAN:

Aah!

CENTURION:

Come on!

BRIAN:

'R-- Romanus'?

CENTURION:

Goes like...?

BRIAN:

'Annus'?

CENTURION:

Vocative plural of 'annus' is...?

BRIAN:

Eh. 'Anni'?

CENTURION:

'Romani'. 'Eunt'? What is 'eunt'?

BRIAN:

'Go'. Let--

CENTURION:

Conjugate the verb 'to go'.

BRIAN:

Uh. 'Ire'. Uh, 'eo'. 'Is'. 'It'. 'Imus'. 'Itis'. 'Eunt'.

CENTURION:

So 'eunt' is...?

BRIAN:

Ah, huh, third person plural, uh, present indicative. Uh, 'they go'.

CENTURION:

But 'Romans, go home' is an order, so you must use the...?

BRIAN:

The... imperative!

CENTURION:

Which is...?

BRIAN:

Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, 'i'. 'I'!

CENTURION:

How many Romans?

BRIAN:

Ah! 'I'-- Plural. Plural. 'Ite'. 'Ite'.

CENTURION:

'Ite'.

BRIAN:

Ah. Eh.

CENTURION:

'Domus'?

BRIAN:

Eh.

CENTURION:

Nominative?

BRIAN:

Oh.

CENTURION:

'Go home'? This is motion towards. Isn't it, boy?

BRIAN:

Ah. Ah, dative, sir! Ahh! No, not dative! Not the dative, sir! No! Ah! Oh, the... accusative! Accusative! Ah! 'Domum',

sir! 'Ad domum'! Ah! Oooh! Ah!

CENTURION:

Except that 'domus' takes the...?

BRIAN:

The locative, sir!

CENTURION:

Which is...?!

BRIAN:

'Domum'.

CENTURION:

'Domum'.

BRIAN:

Aaah! Ah.

CENTURION:

'Um'. Understand?

BRIAN:

Yes, sir.

CENTURION:

Now, write it out a hundred times.

BRIAN:

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.

CENTURION:

Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

BRIAN:

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm!

Finished!

ROMAN SOLDIER STIG:

Right. Now don't do it again.

[CENTURIONS chase BRIAN]

MAN:

Hey! Bloody Romans.

The commandos

FRANCIS:

We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and

Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue

our demands. Any questions?

COMMANDO XERXES:

What exactly are the demands?

REG:

We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn't agree

immediately, we execute her.

MATTHIAS:

Cut her head off?

FRANCIS:

Cut all her bits off. Send 'em back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with.

REG:

And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to

blackmail!

COMMANDOS:

No blackmail!

REG:

They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from

our fathers' fathers.

LORETTA:

And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.

REG:

Yeah.

LORETTA:

And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.

REG:

Yeah. All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!

XERXES:

The aqueduct?

REG:

What?

XERXES:

The aqueduct.

REG:

Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.

COMMANDO #3:

And the sanitation.

LORETTA:

Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like?

REG:

Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.

MATTHIAS:

And the roads.

REG:

Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the

aqueduct, and the roads--

COMMANDO:

Irrigation.

XERXES:

Medicine.

COMMANDOS:

Huh? Heh? Huh...

COMMANDO #2:

Education.

COMMANDOS:

Ohh...

REG:

Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.

COMMANDO #1:

And the wine.

COMMANDOS:

Oh, yes. Yeah...

FRANCIS:

Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.

COMMANDO:

Public baths.

LORETTA:

And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.

FRANCIS:

Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.

COMMANDOS:

Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

REG:

All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water

system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

XERXES:

Brought peace.

REG:

Oh. Peace? Shut up!

[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]

[bam bam bam bam bam]

MATTHIAS:

I am a poor man. My sight is poor. My legs are old and bent, and--

JUDITH:

It's all right, Matthias.

MATTHIAS:

It's all clear.

JUDITH:

Well, where's Reg?

FRANCIS:

Oh, Reg. Reg, it's Judith.

REG:

What went wrong?

JUDITH:

The first blow has been struck!

REG:

Did he finish the slogan?

JUDITH:

A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace!

REG:

Oh, great. Great. We-- we need doers in our movement, Brian, but... before you join us, know this: there is not one of

us here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.

COMMANDO:

Uhh. Well, one.

REG:

Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one, but otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?

BRIAN:

Yes!

REG:

From now on, you shall be called 'Brian that is called Brian'. Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis.

FRANCIS:

Right. This is the plan...