CROWD OF WOMEN:

[yelling]

JEWISH OFFICIAL:

Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.

MATTHIAS:

Do I say 'yes'?

STONE HELPER #1:

Yes.

MATTHIAS:

Yes.

OFFICIAL:

You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer,...

CROWD:

Ooooh!

OFFICIAL:

...you are to be stoned to death.

CROWD:

Ahh!

MATTHIAS:

Look. I-- I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.'

CROWD:

Oooooh!

OFFICIAL:

Blasphemy!

He's said it again!

CROWD:

Yes! Yes, he did! He did!...

OFFICIAL:

Did you hear him?!

CROWD:

Yes! Yes, we did! We did!...

WOMAN #1:

Really!

[silence]

OFFICIAL:

Are there any women here today?

CROWD:

No. No. No. No...

OFFICIAL:

Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me--

[CULPRIT WOMAN stones MATTHIAS]

MATTHIAS:

Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!

OFFICIAL:

Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.

CROWD:

She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.

CULPRIT WOMAN:

Sorry. I thought we'd started.

OFFICIAL:

Go to the back.

CULPRIT WOMAN:

Oh, dear.

OFFICIAL:

Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?

MATTHIAS:

Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'.

CROWD:

Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!...

OFFICIAL:

You're only making it worse for yourself!

MATTHIAS:

Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

CROWD:

Oooooh!...

OFFICIAL:

I'm warning you. If you say 'Jehovah' once more--

[MRS. A. stones OFFICIAL]

Right. Who threw that?

[silence]

Come on. Who threw that?

CROWD:

She did! It was her! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.

OFFICIAL:

Was it you?

MRS. A.:

Yes.

OFFICIAL:

Right!

MRS. A.:

Well, you did say 'Jehovah'.

CROWD:

Ah! Ooooh!...

[CROWD stones MRS. A.]

OFFICIAL:

Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'.

CROWD:

Ooooooh!...

[CROWD stones OFFICIAL]

WOMAN #1:

Good shot!

[clap clap clap]

The ex-leper

[music]

BRIAN:

Have I got a big nose, Mum?

MANDY:

Oh, stop thinking about sex.

BRIAN:

I wasn't.

MANDY:

You're always on about it... morning, noon, and night. 'Will the girls like this?' 'Will the girls like that?' 'Is it too big?' 'Is it

too small?'

LEPER #1:

Spare a shekel.

LEPER #2:

God bless you, sir.

LEPER #3:

Alms for a leper.

LEPER #4:

Alms for a leper.

EX-LEPER:

Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch.

Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.

MANDY:

Buzz off!

EX-LEPER:

Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.

MANDY:

A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.

EX-LEPER:

Half a talent, then.

MANDY:

No, go away!

EX-LEPER:

Come on, Big Nose. Let's haggle.

BRIAN:

What?

EX-LEPER:

All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel. I start at two thousand. We close about eighteen hundred.

BRIAN:

No.

EX-LEPER:

Seventeen-fifty?

MANDY:

Go away!

EX-LEPER:

Seventeen-forty.

MANDY:

Look. Will you leave him alone?

EX-LEPER:

All right. Two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?

MANDY:

Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off!

EX-LEPER:

All right, sir. My final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper.

BRIAN:

Did you say... 'ex-leper'?

EX-LEPER:

That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.

BRIAN:

Well, what happened?

EX-LEPER:

I was cured, sir.

BRIAN:

Cured?

EX-LEPER:

Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.

BRIAN:

Who cured you?

EX-LEPER:

Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm

a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody

do-gooder.

BRIAN:

Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?

EX-LEPER:

Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him

if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not

leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--

MANDY:

Brian! Come and clean your room out.

BRIAN:

There you are.

EX-LEPER:

Thank you, sir. Thanks-- Half a denary for me bloody life story?

BRIAN:

There's no pleasing some people.

EX-LEPER:

That's just what Jesus said, sir.

[baaaa]

[clunk]

Mandy tells Brian he's a Roman

MANDY:

Oh.

OFFICER:

Good afternoon.

MANDY:

Oh, ah. Hello, officer. Ehh. I'll be with you in a few moments. All right, dear?

BRIAN:

What's he doing here?

MANDY:

Now, don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out.

BRIAN:

Bloody Romans.

MANDY:

Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and don't you forget it.

BRIAN:

We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.

MANDY:

Well, that's not entirely true, is it Brian?

BRIAN:

What do you mean?

MANDY:

Well, you know you were asking me about your, uh...

BRIAN:

My nose?

MANDY:

Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian.

BRIAN:

What is it?

MANDY:

Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but...

BRIAN:

What?

MANDY:

Well, Brian,... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.

BRIAN:

I never thought he was.

MANDY:

Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army.

BRIAN:

You mean... you were raped?

MANDY:

Well, at first, yes.

BRIAN:

Who was it?

MANDY:

Heh. Nortius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, House

by the Forum. Slaves. Asses' milk. As much gold as I could eat.

Then, he, having his way with me had... voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct.

BRIAN:

The bastard!

MANDY:

Yeah. So, next time you go on about the 'bloody Romans', don't forget you're one of them.

BRIAN:

I'm not a Roman, Mum, and I never will be! I'm a Kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! I'm Kosher, Mum! I'm a Red

Sea Pedestrian, and proud of it!

[slam]

MANDY:

Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, huh? Well, how are you, then, officer?