BABY BRIAN COHEN:

[crying]

WISE MAN #1:

Ahem.

MANDY COHEN:

Ohhh!

[whump]

Who are you?

WISE MAN #1:

We are three wise men.

MANDY:

What?!

WISE MAN #1:

We are three wise men.

MANDY:

Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to

me.

WISE MAN #3:

We are astrologers.

WISE MAN #1:

We have come from the East.

MANDY:

Is this some kind of joke?

WISE MAN #2:

We wish to praise the infant.

WISE MAN #1:

We must pay homage to him.

MANDY:

Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting. Out! The lot, out!

WISE MAN #1:

No--

MANDY:

Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on. Out!

WISE MAN #2:

No, no. We must see him.

MANDY:

Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!

WISE MAN #2:

We--

WISE MAN #1:

We were led by a star.

MANDY:

Or led by a bottle, more like. Go on. Out!

WISE MAN #1:

Well-- well, we must see him. We have brought presents.

MANDY:

Out!

WISE MAN #2:

Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh.

MANDY:

Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh, anyway?

WISE MAN #3:

It is a valuable balm.

MANDY:

A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him.

WISE MAN #3:

What?

MANDY:

That's a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the trough.

WISE MAN #1:

No, it isn't.

MANDY:

Yes, it is. It's great, big mmm...

WISE MAN #3:

No, no, no. It is an ointment.

MANDY:

Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... or did I dream it? So, you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?

WISE MAN #2:

Hmm?

MANDY:

What star sign is he?

WISE MAN #2:

Uh, Capricorn.

MANDY:

Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

WISE MAN #2:

Ooh, but... he is the son of God, our Messiah.

WISE MAN #1:

King of the Jews.

MANDY:

And that's Capricorn, is it?

WISE MAN #2:

Uh, no, no, no. That's just him.

MANDY:

Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.' [sniff]

WISE MAN #1:

By what name are you calling him?

[holy music]

MANDY:

Uh, 'Brian'.

WISE MEN:

We worship you, O Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.

MANDY:

Do you do a lot of this, then?

WISE MAN #2:

What?

MANDY:

This praising.

WISE MAN #2:

No, no. No, no.

MANDY:

Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't

worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye. Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out

of their bloody minds, but still.

[WISE MEN leave]

Look at that. Hoo hoo hoo.

[WISE MEN return and grab presents]

Here! Here! Here, that-- that's mine! Hee. Hey, you just gave me that! Oh.

[whump]

[holy music]

BABY BRIAN:

[crying]

MANDY:

Shut up.

[smack]

SINGER:

Brian. The babe they called 'Brian',

He grew,... grew, grew, and grew--

Grew up to be-- grew up to be

A boy called 'Brian'--

A boy called 'Brian'.

He had arms... and legs... and hands... and feet,

This boy... whose name was 'Brian',

And he grew,... grew, grew, and grew--

Grew up to be--

Yes, he grew up to be

A teenager called 'Brian'--

A teenager called 'Brian',

And his face became spotty.

Yes, his face became spotty,

And his voice dropped down low

And things started to grow

On young Brian and show

He was certainly no--

No girl named 'Brian',

Not a girl named 'Brian'.

And he started to shave

And have one off the wrist

And want to see girls

And go out and get pissed,

A man called 'Brian'--

This man called 'Brian'--

The man they called 'Brian'--

This man called 'Brian'!

[crash]

Ahh!

Jesus speaks

[music]

JESUS CHRIST:

How blest are those who know that He's a god. How blest are the sorrowful. They shall find consolation. How blest are

those of gentle spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession. How blest are those who hunger and thirst to see

right prevail.

RANDOM:

[cough cough]

JESUS:

They shall be satisfied. How blest are those whose hearts are pure. They shall see God...

MANDY:

Speak up!

MAN:

Shh.

BRIAN:

Quiet, Mum.

JESUS:

How blest are those of gentle...

MANDY:

Well, I can't hear a thing.

JESUS:

...spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession.

MANDY:

Let's go t' the stoning.

JESUS:

How blest are those...

MR. BIG NOSE:

Shh.

JESUS:

...who hunger and thirst...

BRIAN:

You can go to a stoning any time.

JESUS:

...to see right...

MANDY:

Oh, come on, Brian.

JESUS:

...prevail.

MR. BIG NOSE:

Will you be quiet?!

JESUS:

How blest are they who have suffered much...

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Don't pick your nose.

MR. BIG NOSE:

I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching.

MRS. BIG NOSE:

You was picking it, while you was talking to that lady.

MR. BIG NOSE:

I wasn't!

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

MR. CHEEKY:

Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.

MR. CHEEKY:

Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing.

MR. BIG NOSE:

Don't you swear at my wife.

MR. CHEEKY:

I was only asking her to shut up, so I can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Don't you call my husband 'Big Nose'!

MR. CHEEKY:

Well, he has got a big nose.

GREGORY:

Could you be quiet, please?

JESUS:

They shall have the earth...

GREGORY:

What was that?

JESUS:

...for their possession. How blest are those...

MR. CHEEKY:

I don't know. I was too busy talking to Big Nose.

JESUS:

...who hunger and thirst to see...

MAN #1:

I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'

JESUS:

...right prevail.

MRS. GREGORY:

Ahh, what's so special about the cheesemakers?

GREGORY:

Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

MR. CHEEKY:

See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.

JESUS:

How blest are those who...

MR. BIG NOSE:

Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in.

MRS. GREGORY:

Ohh.

MR. CHEEKY:

Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.'

BRIAN:

Oh, lay off him.

MR. CHEEKY:

Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City?

MR. BIG NOSE:

One more time, mate; I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Language!

JESUS:

...hunger and thirst to see...

MRS. BIG NOSE:

And don't pick your nose.

JESUS:

...right prevail.

MR. BIG NOSE:

I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was going to thump him!

MAN #2:

You hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

GREGORY:

The Greek?

MAN #2:

Mmm. Well, apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.

GREGORY:

Did anyone catch his name?

MRS. BIG NOSE:

You're not going to thump anybody.

MR. BIG NOSE:

I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose' again.

MR. CHEEKY:

Oh, shut up, Big Nose.

MR. BIG NOSE:

Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard--

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a

hell of a time.

MR. CHEEKY:

Listen. I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.

MR. BIG NOSE:

Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I've finished with you!

MAN #1 and MAN #2:

Shhh.

MR. CHEEKY:

Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big brother?

MR. BIG NOSE:

Oh. Right. That's your last warning.

MRS. GREGORY:

Oh, do pipe down.

[MR. BIG NOSE slugs MRS. GREGORY]

Oh!

[MR. BIG NOSE and GREGORY fight]

GREGORY:

Oh!

MRS. GREGORY:

Awa?

MR. BIG NOSE:

Silly bitch. Get in the way on me?...

MRS. GREGORY:

Ow!...

MR. BIG NOSE:

Break it up-- oh. Oh!

MANDY:

Oh, come on. Let's go to the stoning.

BRIAN:

All right.

[music]

FRANCIS:

Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.

REG:

Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.

JUDITH:

Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.

MANDY:

Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.

BRIAN:

All right.

MR. CHEEKY:

Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. Hey, officer, intervene here. Attempted rape going on. It's the

chap with the big nose's fault. He started it all.

'Stones, sir?'

MANDY:

Ohh, I hate wearing these beards.

BRIAN:

Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, Mum?

MANDY:

It's written. That's why.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Pssst! Beard, madam?

DONKEY OWNER:

Oh, look. I haven't got time to go to no stonings. He's not well again.

[hee-haw hee-haw]

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Stones, sir?

MANDY:

Naah. They've got a lot there, lying around on the ground.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Oh, not like these, sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship, sir.

MANDY:

Hmmm. Aah, all right. We'll have, uh, two with points and... a big flat one.

BRIAN:

Could I have a flat one, Mum?

MANDY:

Shh!

BRIAN:

Sorry. Dad.

MANDY:

Ehh, all right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.

MANDY:

Hehh?

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Local boy.

MANDY:

Oh, good.

HARRY THE HAGGLER:

Enjoy yourselves.

The stoning

CROWD OF WOMEN:

[yelling]

JEWISH OFFICIAL:

Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.

MATTHIAS:

Do I say 'yes'?

STONE HELPER #1:

Yes.

MATTHIAS:

Yes.

OFFICIAL:

You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer,...

CROWD:

Ooooh!

OFFICIAL:

...you are to be stoned to death.

CROWD:

Ahh!

MATTHIAS:

Look. I-- I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.'

CROWD:

Oooooh!

OFFICIAL:

Blasphemy!

He's said it again!

CROWD:

Yes! Yes, he did! He did!...

OFFICIAL:

Did you hear him?!

CROWD:

Yes! Yes, we did! We did!...

WOMAN #1:

Really!

[silence]

OFFICIAL:

Are there any women here today?

CROWD:

No. No. No. No...

OFFICIAL:

Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me--

[CULPRIT WOMAN stones MATTHIAS]

MATTHIAS:

Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!

OFFICIAL:

Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.

CROWD:

She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.

CULPRIT WOMAN:

Sorry. I thought we'd started.

OFFICIAL:

Go to the back.

CULPRIT WOMAN:

Oh, dear.

OFFICIAL:

Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?

MATTHIAS:

Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'.

CROWD:

Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!...

OFFICIAL:

You're only making it worse for yourself!

MATTHIAS:

Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

CROWD:

Oooooh!...

OFFICIAL:

I'm warning you. If you say 'Jehovah' once more--

[MRS. A. stones OFFICIAL]

Right. Who threw that?

[silence]

Come on. Who threw that?

CROWD:

She did! It was he r! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.

OFFICIAL:

Was it you?

MRS. A.:

Yes.

OFFICIAL:

Right!

MRS. A.:

Well, you did say 'Jehovah'.

CROWD:

Ah! Ooooh!...

[CROWD stones MRS. A.]

OFFICIAL:

Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'.

CROWD:

Ooooooh!...

[CROWD stones OFFICIAL]

WOMAN #1:

Good shot!

[clap clap clap]

The ex-leper

[music]

BRIAN:

Have I got a big nose, Mum?

MANDY:

Oh, stop thinking about sex.

BRIAN:

I wasn't.

MANDY:

You're always on about it... morning, noon, and night. 'Will the girls like this?' 'Will the girls like that?' 'Is it too big?' 'Is it

too small?'

LEPER #1:

Spare a shekel.

LEPER #2:

God bless you, sir.

LEPER #3:

Alms for a leper.

LEPER #4:

Alms for a leper.

EX-LEPER:

Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch.

Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.

MANDY:

Buzz off!

EX-LEPER:

Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.

MANDY:

A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.

EX-LEPER:

Half a talent, then.

MANDY:

No, go away!

EX-LEPER:

Come on, Big Nose. Let's haggle.

BRIAN:

What?

EX-LEPER:

All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel. I start at two thousand. We close about eighteen hundred.

BRIAN:

No.

EX-LEPER:

Seventeen-fifty?

MANDY:

Go away!

EX-LEPER:

Seventeen-forty.

MANDY:

Look. Will you leave him alone?

EX-LEPER:

All right. Two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?

MANDY:

Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off!

EX-LEPER:

All right, sir. My final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper.

BRIAN:

Did you say... 'ex-leper'?

EX-LEPER:

That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.

BRIAN:

Well, what happened?

EX-LEPER:

I was cured, sir.

BRIAN:

Cured?

EX-LEPER:

Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.

BRIAN:

Who cured you?

EX-LEPER:

Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm

a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody

do-gooder.

BRIAN:

Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?

EX-LEPER:

Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him

if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not

leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--

MANDY:

Brian! Come and clean your room out.

BRIAN:

There you are.

EX-LEPER:

Thank you, sir. Thanks-- Half a denary for me bloody life story?

BRIAN:

There's no pleasing some people.

EX-LEPER:

That's just what Jesus said, sir.

[baaaa]

[clunk]